In the last post I spoke to how one of the negative effects
of culture is the suffocation of authenticity and creativity- replacing
identity with a mirroring of institutional ideals. I also mentioned those that
would control us through fear by derailing our creative process or the process
of change. All of this sort of leads me to the idea of change and the
reciprocal relationship between ourselves and others in the face of change.
Looking back, it isn’t difficult to think of a few examples
where expectations weren’t met in regard to this idea of change. Put simply,
people who’ve known us in the past, will often expect us to be that way and
when we don’t meet that expectation, conflict will occur, either internally or
externally. A few years ago this is exactly what happened with an old friend of
mine. Back in our heyday of wild, youthful and sometimes psychedelic adventures,
we had known each other well. In some ways we were even a sanctuary for each
other, knowing that whatever transpired, the dependability of friendship would
be waiting for us. Now, this could describe more than a few of my relationships
in the past, but this one stands out for reasons I will get to in a moment. First,
I should say, and I will emphasize this point many times- THINGS CHANGE. And as
time rolled over us with its undulating waves of momentum, at first gradual and
then picking up speed as the years progressed, we found ourselves in very
different places living very different lives. Well, as I said, we met up again
a few years back. We talked on the phone and then met in person a few times.
Looking back something struck me as odd. This old friend felt the need to
remind me that, in their words “people never change”. And BAM, just like that
the expectation was set.
The problem was that I had indeed changed and very much. I
was hardly the same person and although there was some likeness of my
personality, I had changed enough to experience a sort of cognitive dissonance,
where on the one hand I felt the pressure to revert back to some old belief
patterns, behaviors and ways of interacting and on the other was myself- who I
had become, yearning to express and share with new insight. After a few
meetings with this person, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being controlled, of
not meeting some imposed expectation and of being made to fit into someone else’s
box of who they thought I was or wanted me to be. I just couldn’t be around
this person and it showed. There was some initial internal conflict that
manifested as external conflict, as we failed to reconcile these differences.
Eventually, I dropped the relationship and filed it under the heading of “friendships
I can no longer have in my life in the pursuit of mental well-being, clarity
and freedom”. This was an unfortunate occurrence and it could have possibly
turned out quite differently but at the time I didn’t have the foresight and
courage to fight for this relationship, or at least fight until the fight
became pointless; because let’s face it many people often have trouble letting
go of their perspectives. But who is to say- as the wheels of time continue to
turn, forever moving their hands around the clock, we may once again find ourselves
with the opportunity of renewed friendship.
But, there is something here that I want to get real
specific with and that is this idea of change that I had mentioned before. I
can’t emphasize the point more- when we hear the words “people never change” we
are absolutely NOT hearing the truth. It is more likely that we are hearing
someone’s personal fears, memories of traumatic events or control mechanisms.
As it happens, everything changes but it is the mind that has the most
resistance to change. We cling to our perspectives because it is what we know;
it is how we believe that we can control our worlds in the face of the unknown.
But even that changes eventually and with the correct practice of awareness
development we can change with even more momentum, letting go and truly becoming
open systems, paralleling the universe and its mandate of constant change. So
when we hear those words “people never change” we are likely hearing the
suffering of someone whose fear and unhappiness is seeking solace with our own.
In a future post I might list many of the various ways in
which we go through a process of change including: cell replacement,
personality theory, recognizing our blind spots and changing perspectives/world
views, open systems- ourselves and the universe, changes in the brain-
chemical/psychological…but at the moment I’m just tired of writing on this
subject- I need some change, lol.
I dig this pic
I will leave you with my idea of three options we encounter
when faced with the “people never change” mindsets. One option, as mentioned
before, is to fight for the relationship. This means we need to stick with
ourselves and keep living by the example of who we are/wish to be. This can be
very difficult at times but is worth it if the relationship in question is one
we want to keep and enrich (such might be the case with many of our family
members), I recommend doing this until we realize that the resistance we
experience with the other is just too great to carry on, then you might file it
away. Another option is to simply walk away, as I did with the relationship I
described before. Be careful here, are you simply avoiding out of fear?
Sometimes this is the best option though. The third option is almost never a
good one and that is to give your power away, revert to old patterns and
experience a lot of internal conflict.
