People Change

In the last post I spoke to how one of the negative effects of culture is the suffocation of authenticity and creativity- replacing identity with a mirroring of institutional ideals. I also mentioned those that would control us through fear by derailing our creative process or the process of change. All of this sort of leads me to the idea of change and the reciprocal relationship between ourselves and others in the face of change. 

Looking back, it isn’t difficult to think of a few examples where expectations weren’t met in regard to this idea of change. Put simply, people who’ve known us in the past, will often expect us to be that way and when we don’t meet that expectation, conflict will occur, either internally or externally. A few years ago this is exactly what happened with an old friend of mine. Back in our heyday of wild, youthful and sometimes psychedelic adventures, we had known each other well. In some ways we were even a sanctuary for each other, knowing that whatever transpired, the dependability of friendship would be waiting for us. Now, this could describe more than a few of my relationships in the past, but this one stands out for reasons I will get to in a moment. First, I should say, and I will emphasize this point many times- THINGS CHANGE. And as time rolled over us with its undulating waves of momentum, at first gradual and then picking up speed as the years progressed, we found ourselves in very different places living very different lives. Well, as I said, we met up again a few years back. We talked on the phone and then met in person a few times. Looking back something struck me as odd. This old friend felt the need to remind me that, in their words “people never change”. And BAM, just like that the expectation was set.

The problem was that I had indeed changed and very much. I was hardly the same person and although there was some likeness of my personality, I had changed enough to experience a sort of cognitive dissonance, where on the one hand I felt the pressure to revert back to some old belief patterns, behaviors and ways of interacting and on the other was myself- who I had become, yearning to express and share with new insight. After a few meetings with this person, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being controlled, of not meeting some imposed expectation and of being made to fit into someone else’s box of who they thought I was or wanted me to be. I just couldn’t be around this person and it showed. There was some initial internal conflict that manifested as external conflict, as we failed to reconcile these differences. Eventually, I dropped the relationship and filed it under the heading of “friendships I can no longer have in my life in the pursuit of mental well-being, clarity and freedom”. This was an unfortunate occurrence and it could have possibly turned out quite differently but at the time I didn’t have the foresight and courage to fight for this relationship, or at least fight until the fight became pointless; because let’s face it many people often have trouble letting go of their perspectives. But who is to say- as the wheels of time continue to turn, forever moving their hands around the clock, we may once again find ourselves with the opportunity of renewed friendship. 

But, there is something here that I want to get real specific with and that is this idea of change that I had mentioned before. I can’t emphasize the point more- when we hear the words “people never change” we are absolutely NOT hearing the truth. It is more likely that we are hearing someone’s personal fears, memories of traumatic events or control mechanisms. As it happens, everything changes but it is the mind that has the most resistance to change. We cling to our perspectives because it is what we know; it is how we believe that we can control our worlds in the face of the unknown. But even that changes eventually and with the correct practice of awareness development we can change with even more momentum, letting go and truly becoming open systems, paralleling the universe and its mandate of constant change. So when we hear those words “people never change” we are likely hearing the suffering of someone whose fear and unhappiness is seeking solace with our own. 

In a future post I might list many of the various ways in which we go through a process of change including: cell replacement, personality theory, recognizing our blind spots and changing perspectives/world views, open systems- ourselves and the universe, changes in the brain- chemical/psychological…but at the moment I’m just tired of writing on this subject- I need some change, lol. 

                                                       I dig this pic

 

I will leave you with my idea of three options we encounter when faced with the “people never change” mindsets. One option, as mentioned before, is to fight for the relationship. This means we need to stick with ourselves and keep living by the example of who we are/wish to be. This can be very difficult at times but is worth it if the relationship in question is one we want to keep and enrich (such might be the case with many of our family members), I recommend doing this until we realize that the resistance we experience with the other is just too great to carry on, then you might file it away. Another option is to simply walk away, as I did with the relationship I described before. Be careful here, are you simply avoiding out of fear? Sometimes this is the best option though. The third option is almost never a good one and that is to give your power away, revert to old patterns and experience a lot of internal conflict.